Bridesmaid Again? How I turned FOMO into JOFO
It was a mild March day in 2019, excitement was in the air, prosecco everywhere, and 5 ladies were giggling like little school girls. Yes we were ‘WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING’!
Laurens big day was set for Spring 2020 and we had just one year to ensure she had the perfect dress, the dress she would only wear once #hopefully, the dress that would make Shane’s eyes pop out of his head!
This is my second time being a bridesmaid, I know I know always the bridesmaid, never the bride yada yada yada… Good thing is though, planning gets easier each time, you also have the hen parties, which are raucous occasions, you get to sit at the top table feeling like royalty, you get to share in the first dance like it’s your own, and can’t forget the endless interrogation into ‘when will it be your big day?’.
If I had 1c, honestly 1c for every time I have been asked that bloody question, I would have 55c-maybe, but you get my drift. I don’t know if it’s an age thing, an Irish thing, a wedding thing, or a nosey thing to see if you’re a lesbian, I dunno, but Mary mother of Christ stop with the intrusive questions. No Bridie I do not have a boyfriend, or a girlfriend if that was your next question, but I do go on endless holidays, sleep in at weekends and spend all my money on ME!
See I am 31, 32 in July ahhhh, and growing up I suppose you think finish school, go to college, meet a guy, fall in love, get married, have kids, do what society deems as normal. But kids life isn’t normal, life is like Ronan Keating singing Rollercoaster, you just gotta ride it! Up until my mid 20s I would have considered myself as living life on the time frame God and society wanted me to, then bam relationship breakdown, trust broken, and suddenly everyday life is up for renewal again.
I always believe things happen for a reason, and I think we change to grow and develop, and my growth spurt came in the form of moving to the big apple in 2016 . More of that experience over on this post! Long story short, NYC was beyond amazing, I was a poor Carrie Bradshaw with a J.Lo attitude, and sass for days. Marriage, relationships, and even long term commitment wasn’t seen as essentials in New York, bonuses yes, if you could get a guy to date you exclusively and not 15 others on Tinder you were a superwoman, but all the same singledom was praised and celebrated!
Fast forward to the dreaded time of moving home (2018) and adjusting to Irish civilisation, where a job in the civil service is what you need to get, followed by a good man who will respect you and share a mortgage with you, and a few kids if you’re so blessed. You have to love Ireland for its simplistic views on a happy life, but for many of us nowadays, especially ones who have travelled and lived abroad, this simple life is A, not what we want, B, not an urgent matter on our timeline and C, might never happen, and that’s ok too. PSA I don’t think I will ever have a civil service job!
I came home from NYC and my friends were all coupled up, like a regular episode of love island, and I was the one who needed a new boy to enter the villa and whisk me off my feet. No one was available for cinema nights on a Tuesday, long gone were shopping sprees and day drinking, replaced with mortgage talks, and doing the food shop on a Saturday. I have to admit at the start I was pitying them, like you can’t cook whatever you like for dinner, have to do a full consultation the day before, you have to save nearly all your money, and you’re stuck with just him, HIM forever, madness, I had JOMO (joy of missing out). As the bridesmaid question was asked, the wedding planning begun, I still didn’t have FOMO (fear of missing out), I was still smiling knowing my money was being spent on flights, not foliage for the church pews. It wasn’t till the wedding dress shopping, the love in the air, the joy, the romance of it all, the stupid love music, that I began to think mmh maybe I do want this! I wear dresses for work, going out, yano the usual, but I didn’t know the power of THAT dress, and how it could make me crave my own wedding with Leonardo Di Caprio.
- As I write this, one friend has been up and down the aisle and threw a phenomenal wedding, the other is fast approaching and I am vowing now to say no to any other bridesmaid offers till 2022 at least!
A subtle pang in the heart, an emptiness in the stomach, a deep sigh followed by internal questioning of ‘when will this be me’? Yep this was how I felt the first time seeing my friends trying on wedding dresses. Was it the dress, the happiness in their smile, the buzz in the room, or all the prosecco I was downing to numb this reality? Either way I felt more sadness than happiness watching my best friends trying on the most important dress of their lives. I am a positive soul, and always turn these frowns upside down, I am also adventurous, I have lived in many places (my friends have not), I have travelled the world (they too have not), ok ok I am trying to make myself feel better here, give me a break, but what I am trying to say IS- I discovered we are different people, with different experiences, different lifestyles, different ambitions, and this realisation my darlings is how I lost the FOMO (fear of missing out), and gained JOFO (joy of finding out). I listened to my heart and soul, I figured out that yes I do want this one day, I want to share my life with someone, and IT WILL HAPPEN ONE DAY!!! Phew.
So what did I do next you may ask?
I did not immediately download every dating app available to me, nope, I began to work on me, what my future dreams are, including what suit Leo will wear for the wedding, what career I want, what mind set I want to nurture, and what makes me happy! We have all heard the saying ‘you must love yourself first, before anyone else can’, and as cliché as it sounds, it’s true! I had some internal chaos surrounding my move home, think of J.Lo and Mary Robinson having a fight, like there is no middle ground here, so I decided to work on me, my thoughts, my fears, my confidence, my career and my health- mental and physical before I dip my toe in the dating scene.
After some counselling, endless podcasts, book after book on personal development, Tony Robbins running through my veins, I finally felt like me again! And I want to share some advice I have learnt along the way:
1. You have one life! We are either busy living, or we are busy dying. Take that chance, make that phone call, do that dance class, tell him you like him, just do it, don’t miss any opportunities! If the situation doesn’t turn out as expected, it’s a lesson learnt, something to develop from.
2. Gratitude is everything! As I mentioned before I am a positive soul, always an optimist, but have never kept a gratitude journal, or thought a whole lot about it, till now. Every morning before I leave the bed I say thank you, thank you for another day here on earth. I think of all the great people in my life, the roof over my head, the food in the cupboards, the memories made, the opportunities lying ahead. When we count our blessings we really do receive peace in our hearts, and for me it also gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside! So get a gratitude journal today!
3. It’s not rejection it’s redirection! I don’t know who said this, someone wise probably, but a mantra I think of when things don’t go as planned. God/The Universe has a plan for us all, one door closes another opens etc, and my personal favourite- ‘what’s meant for you won’t pass you’! Even if you don’t believe in this, it is kind of nice thinking that there is more happiness to come in your life, that there is a better job coming for you, a more loving guy, a better pizza slice.
4. It’s my journey! Comparison is the ultimate thief of joy, and aint nobody stealing my joy! I am not the same as anyone else, I am me Lisa D, there is only one of me on this planet (thank God says my father), and I will live my life as I want to! I am 31, unmarried, living at home with my parents, free from sickness, got a ‘good’ job I like, have money to do the things I want (travel), and have wonderful people around me, what more could I want? I have my goals in life, I will achieve them, I will move along this journey at my own pace, and succeed with utter happiness, and you will too!
5. I am enough! This is something that resonates with me from counselling and from life coach Sarah Doyle’s teachings. I was a confident person in my 20s, and I think it faded more and more as I got older. Coming to live back home knocked me back, and my self-esteem took a nose dive. Sarah talks about positive affirmations and telling yourself you are beautiful, you are successful, you are enough, and guys they really do work, they seep into your subconscious and you become those affirmations. (Sarah also sells Affirmation cards which I have stuck all around my bedroom). She also told me to get a success bank, a little notebook with all the things I am proud of, the things I have done well in life, the highlights so to speak. Looking back on these always makes me smile, makes me proud of my achievements, and gives me that boost to say you can do it!
Now as I write this just after a bridesmaid dress fitting, I am thankful Lauren asked me to be by her side on her big day, I am thankful I get to share this moment in her life. I am beyond happy she is in love with a great guy, and I wish them both the happiest life together.
I am proud of myself for how I turned that inner sadness into reflection. I am excited for the future with Leo, and if it’s not him then I am sure it will be someone equally as amazing! I am confident in my future, I am grateful for all I have, and I can’t wait till the day I try on my own white dress!
Don’t stop believing,
Lisa
